As predicted, I sort of skipped through bargaining. Working as a nurse, I’ve seen death and I know for a fact that that shits final. No one is coming back from that. Therefore, what am I supposed to be bargaining for? That I could die instead and take his place? That just shifts the pain felt by his family onto my family.

I guess part of my bargaining came from finding out the circumstances of Jacks death. The coroners report ruled it as a suicide rather than an accidental death, and in a way that’s better. I hate knowing that he was in that sort of pain that drove him to suicide, but I think it would’ve been so much worse if he hadn’t wanted to die.

But then I found out that he was drunk. Was this what he wanted? Could he have properly, really weighed up the options and made a rational decision?

We will never know. I don’t think it benefits me to dwell on what did or didn’t happen, what was or was not going to happen. And to move through this stage, I need to accept that we will never know.

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